Author Archives: palliverse

Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Contribution

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Photo by Jarritos Mexican Soda on Unsplash

When we are born we come with nothing and we go with nothing. In between we try to make a contribution to our family, community and the world around us.

The transition to becoming a caregiver is difficult, the biggest challenge is going from having lots of time for yourself and an ability to make plans, to having no time.  Much like a mother I guess. I was given a ringside seat into old age and death.  Watching the decline, you are forced to confront the mortality of your loved one as well as your own.

High dependency needs mean that no matter how much you love the one you are caring for you get very tired.  The forced isolation can be lonely for a lot of people. My experience wasn’t so much the loneliness but more the loss of “me” time.  Early in the caregiving role when I was able to go out for a couple of hours I would joke with my friends that my visa was up and I had to get home before my visa was cancelled.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Precious

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Part 1

Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

At school two little six year olds had an argument.  They were both very upset when I called them over to talk to me.

I asked the first one what the problem was.

Pointing at the other girl with a quivering finger she said, amongst sobs, “she called me a F F F FAT BANANA. Why are you laughing?”

“Well,” I said, “are you a banana?”

“No.”

“Are you fat?”

“No.”

“Is it true?”

“No?”

Softly I said to her, “so darling if it were true it would be serious, but it’s not true so it’s funny isn’t it?”

I asked the other girl, “why did you say that?”

“I wanted her to be my friend but she didn’t want to,  so I called her a FAT BANANA…  Naomi,  I really love bananas.”

I smiled and said to her, “darling if you want someone to be your friend, that’s not the way to do it. First you  have to  help them if they need help, be kind to them and laugh at their jokes.   Then they will want to be your friend because they can see that you are a kind and caring  person.” 

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Acceptance

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Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

It had been one week since her husband passed away when she went to the cemetery to visit him. She wanted to go earlier but she had been too unwell.  She was tired from the effort of walking and was grateful she could rest on the seat of her walker.  She made her way slowly to her husband’s grave.  In the distance, she could hear the sound of someone sobbing.

She sat looking at the headstone and replayed in her mind memories of when they were together.  It was not her first experience of death, having lost her two year old daughter many years ago.

She recalled many weeks spent at the cemetery mourning her loss.   But then one night she had a dream of angels in a line descending from the sky, each one bearing a candle in their hand.   Then she saw her daughter but her candle was not alight. She rushed towards her daughter when she heard a voice telling her that it was her tears that kept her daughter’s candle from burning.

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My digital afterlife

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Our lives are increasingly digitised. I remember when my grandparents died, we went through their paper phone contact book to find out who we had to call. Now, with everything from banking to social media taking place online, things have changed.

How can we prepare for our #digitaldeath, after our bodies have died? What will your #digitalafterlife look like? #EOLC #pallanz

Here is a link to an animated video https://youtu.be/9UOe7otnRDw

Sonia

Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Doing Your Best

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Photo by Thomas Lipke on Unsplash

It was three weeks before Christmas and she asked me to visit her in Wellington, preferably before Christmas. I was leaving for India the following week and no cheap flights meant it was not possible. I phoned her and told her I would visit when I returned from India.  

Whilst in India, my Teacher got an email saying she had been admitted into hospice.   I was unsure that I would get back in time. However, my Teacher was confident that it would be okay. At least I was in one of the holiest places and attending a prayer festival.  I sponsored some group prayers for her as well as doing my personal prayers for her.

I met the Tibetan family that my friend sponsored. They were very grateful for her kindness and generosity and very sad that my friend was terminally ill.   They requested me to take a beautiful woollen shawl back to New Zealand for her. 

Within a few days of arriving home, I flew to Wellington to see her.  She was out of hospice and back in her own home, being well cared for by one of her sons and her sister.  Upon arrival, I was greeted by a much thinner version of my friend who was still quite mobile due to the loving care of her son and sister.  I stayed two days with her.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Change

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Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

She was 80 years old, terminally ill and had loved gardening all her life. She filled her yard with beautiful flowers and an abundance of vegetables.  She enjoyed the peace and satisfaction it gave her.  Only using what was needed, she usually gave away the vegetables to family members or visitors.  

When I told her I had a job as a part-time Backyard Garden Coordinator, she suggested that it might be nice to have a vegetable garden.   When I reminded her of the promise I made to myself when I was 10, about never being a gardener when I grew up, she said to me,  “darling things change, that was then and this is now.” 

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Saying Goodbye

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Photo by Philippe Leone on Unsplash

She was a solicitor used to dealing with other people’s problems and separating the emotion from the facts.  But today she looked tired, worn out, and close to tears.

“Noticed your not your usual self what’s the matter”? I asked.

“I’m caring for my dying mother at home and have been doing it for the last two months. I need to get home as quick as I can”.  

“Do you have anyone helping you”? I inquired

“Sometimes my sister helps but she has three kids. Mostly it’s just me and mum, I had to move in with her temporarily to take care of her because she couldn’t manage on her own. I’m not sure if I can manage.   I sleep in the armchair next to the bed”.  

“Would it help if I sat with her while you do your work at home”?

A smile fleetingly replaced the stress on her face.  ‘Here’s the address she said and my number if you get lost”.

“Ask your mum if I can come and see her, phone me if she says yes, no problem if she says no”.

Later that evening she phoned confirming it was okay.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Time

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He was 84. He had been sick for a long time with his liver and recently had his gallbladder removed.  He was tired and grumpy as he struggled to make sense of the illness.   He was tired of taking medicine and being unwell. It was a far cry from the strong funny man that used to make his family laugh.

As a father when he made up his mind to do something he would always follow through.  Like the time he decided to take a night class in pruning fruit trees.   He would come home from class and prune all the fruit trees which were quite substantial.  The trees all had a slight lean to them and his family was not convinced he passed that class but the trees bore great fruit.  

He decided he wanted to become a welder so he enrolled in a night class and completed the course.  His family thought it was an extension of his pruning class because he did some welding maintenance around the fruit trees.  When he wasn’t watching, his children used his welding hat to play Darth Vader in Star Wars but he used to laugh when he thought they couldn’t see him. 

It was early morning when the phone rang and she knew immediately something was wrong.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Mamma Mia

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Photo by Dominik Lange on Unsplash

It was getting harder to manage working full time during the day and caring for my mother.  The routine was I would wash her in the morning and give her breakfast and her medication then leave her a drink in a thermos cup with something for morning tea.  

My sister would call in to see her before she went to work at 10 am. My other brothers and sisters were supposed to phone her during the day when I was at work.   I would come home for lunch, give her lunch I prepared the night before, give her medication and a drink and leave something for afternoon tea before heading back to work.  I finished at 5pm but sometimes couldn’t get away till 5.30pm as I worked at the District Court and sometimes the Court sat late.

The routine worked for a while but as she started to decline I noticed little things.   I would come home for lunch and her morning tea hadn’t been touched.  When I asked her why she hadn’t eaten the orange I left her, she was embarrassed and replied, “I tried and tried but I couldn’t peel it” and she couldn’t unscrew the lid of the drink.  I felt terrible that she wasn’t able to access it.  It coincided with her telling me she was lonely when I went to work, it was a long day for her.   I looked at her beautiful face and I knew she was not one to complain but this was important to her.    Something had to change. 

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Unsung Heroes

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Photo by Jessica Podraza on Unsplash

He was 14 new to the area, no siblings and only his mother and him.  They had been living up north; he didn’t know why they  moved and it didn’t matter. Everything was okay until his mum got sick.  She went to the Doctor and came back with lots of medicine.   When he asked what the Doctor said she brushed him off with “nothing for you to worry about son”.  

A month went by and his mother was getting worse.  They both went back to the Doctor, he said she needed to do some tests and he gave her a piece of paper and told her she had to go to the hospital for some x-rays and some other things that he didn’t know what they meant.   The doctor would contact her when he had the results.  The Doctor phoned a few days later,  he needed to see  her.   He told her she had cancer. 

He went to school at his mother’s urging.  His mother was alone, he worried she might need something and he wouldn’t be there to get it.   She reassured him she would be fine and would text him if she needed him.

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