Author Archives: palliverse

Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Waiting for an Invitation

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Photo by Joshua Lanzarini on Unsplash

Two things are certain in this life,  we are born and we will one day die.   The time of death is uncertain, and in our life between these two we try and be of benefit to our families, community, country and the world at large.

We are all part of the same human family; we are all interconnected.  This has been highlighted  over the past two years with the pandemic.  News bulletins brought us graphic images of family and friends mourning because they were not able to be with their loved ones before death and for the funeral.  Harrowing images of countries being in lockdown showed us so many people dying daily and corpses being loaded into trucks heading to the cemetery for mass graves.   

For a while the world went quiet as we all felt the sorrow of people who were unknown to us, as well as the fear of what lay ahead.  We each dealt with it differently according to our cultural background and conditional on whether we are able to face our own mortality.

Fear is a feeling that comes usually because we don’t know about the issue that is confronting us, we have no experience with it, and we can’t predict what is going to happen.  We don’t know what to do.  Losing confidence in ourselves, we get shaky.

It is an indictment on us all that we can talk to someone on the other side of the world and even in space through technology, but because of fear avoid face-to-face communication with a work-mate or someone we see every day, or people within our own family… but especially someone who is dying.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Offering

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It was a week before Christmas, a special birthday celebration and instead of just a few candles we offered 1000 butterlamps.  These were lit before the start of the ceremony which concluded with the traditional Happy Birthday song for Rinpoche.  

After our shared lunch I walked slowly up the stairs to the Temple.  From the bottom of the stairs in the distance I saw a young woman  with her two children aged 6 and 8. I greeted her on arrival and she asked if she could light some butter  lamps.  She looked close to tears, and I asked her, “What’s the matter?”

“I need some help, my son died last week and I need some kind of spiritual help that’s why I came here. Is there a Lama here? I need to talk to someone.” Then the floodgate of tears was unleashed.  I put my arm around her and let her cry. Her two young children looked worried. I had some home baking upstairs and asked them to bring it down for a cup of tea. 

When we were alone she shared  that her 23 year old son had committed suicide.  His siblings were told their brother had died.  They were too young to understand and she didn’t want to burden them with it. As the children came bounding down the stairs I offered them something to eat and suggested they play outside on the grass where they could still see us whilst I talked with mum.   They appeared to be relieved to have  another adult to talk to their mum. 

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Plumb Job

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Photo by Ivan Samudra on Unsplash

I had a problem with my hot water cylinder so I phoned a plumber to fix it. In my bathroom were two signs one says, DEATH IS COMING WITH EVERY BREATH and the other, WHAT WOULD I REGRET IF I DIED TODAY?

The plumber was attending to the water cylinder and I was in the kitchen having breakfast. He asked if he could use the bathroom to wash his hands. He went out to his van a couple of times to get some tools and each time, I see him looking at me.  When he finished the job he gave me some instructions and then just stood there looking sheepish.

I drank my tea.

Then he said to me, “that’s very interesting those signs in your bathroom.”  

I  drank my tea

“You know, life is for living, you don’t need to be depressed and think about death all the time,” he said to me. “There is joy out there you just got to go and look for it. If you think about death all the time that’s not good. I am a Christian and we don’t think about death we think about living. Perhaps you should try that.”

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Making Friends

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Photo by Jason Pofahl on Unsplash

The sound of the skipping rope whirring as it hit the ground meant their father was up.  He used to skip every day before he went to work.  

He taught his children resilience, to never give up when learning something new no matter how difficult it was. “You just gotta make friends with it”, he used to say.  

He loved his children and would try and spoil them when he could.   

He fancied himself as a mechanic and would often diagnose the car trouble as needing new spark plugs.  When asked if he had fixed the car he nodded and said  it didn’t need the key to start it, you just had to stand at the front step and clap your hands and it would come.

He was of that generation where you didn’t tell your kids you loved them but you showed them.  When his children told him they loved him it was met by an embarrassed silence.

The removal of his gall bladder heralded the start of his decline. He became increasingly ill and grumpy and as the days moved on he became less communicative.  He was always very direct in his communication. When his children spoke to him on the phone he never said hello or goodbye. He said their name and at the end just hung up.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Cushion

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Photo by Wonderlane on Unsplash

They met at a seven-year meditation/philosophy course, which required participants to travel to India each year for the 1st week in April for instruction. It was taught by  H E Tai Situ Rinpoche one of the great Meditation Masters.

The seating was cushioning on the floor, he sat in front of her.  He was from Germany with limited English and she was from New Zealand (NZ) with limited German but they were able to communicate.   They formed a group with the Spanish man that sat next to him and the Taiwanese woman that sat next to her.  The group exchanged email addresses and from time to time corresponded. When in India they would all have breakfast together.

After year three of the course, he wrote to say he had to drop out of the course as his 88-year-old mother was sick and he needed to care for her.  He wrote about his newly acquired knowledge in gynaecology, breast cancer, podiatry, and dentistry gained from having accompanied his mother to all of her appointments.

She wrote back and gave him some moral support.   She also sent a gift from the NZ sheep, woollen socks for both his mother and him. 

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Petticoat

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Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

It was my mother’s birthday.  It was a cold, bleak winter’s day.   I had put on a nice warm woolen skirt that my friend had given me which belonged to her mother.  It was a bit big on the waist but was okay.  I wore it to work.  After school I rushed to buy some flowers  to take to the cemetery before it closed.  

When I arrived I was the only person there, and I quickly arranged the flowers on my parents’ grave.  I stood back to admire the flowers and my thoughts turned toward my precious mother. It was starting to get dark, I felt sad as I walked back to my car. I remembered happier times on my mother’s birthday.  

Suddenly I felt very cold, I thought to myself  the temperature had plummeted.  Then I looked down and saw that actually it was my skirt that had fallen down and I was standing in the cemetery in just my stockings with my skirt on the ground.   

I started to laugh and laugh and laugh. Then I suddenly realised if anyone saw me in my stockings  laughing so loud in the cemetery they would think I was having an ‘episode’ so I quickly put my skirt on and walked slowly to my car.  

Then I noticed the security cameras.   I raised my handbag to my face to save myself some embarrassment  and walked faster to the car.   I smiled to myself as I drove home as I remembered what my mother  had said to me when I was young ….”Always wear a petticoat.”

Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Appreciation

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Photo by Aude-Andre Saturnio on Unsplash

They were a big Samoan family who supported their mother’s decision to not undergo dialysis for her kidneys. She had no appetite for her favourite foods and the level of care was entering into an unknown realm.   In the distant past the caregiver had done some volunteer work for Hospice and thought this might be the answer to the problem.  

A family meeting was called and Hospice intervention was discussed.  The siblings were unanimous in their decision.  No Hospice, they viewed it as a betrayal and a failure on their part that their mother would be under the care of strangers instead of within her own family.  The siblings were having difficulty accepting the stage that their mother was at.   

Christmas came and she was very ill, she tried to make an effort to enjoy the day for her children.  Her grandchildren carried her outside into the Marquee for Christmas dinner. 

She didn’t want to spoil the day for her children.  They took her back to bed after a couple of hours.   She was too exhausted to sit up any longer.

Two days later she was in hospital, unable to communicate.  She sat and stared into space.  In the morning she woke up and pleaded to go home.  

Without consulting anyone her caregiver made the decision to request palliative care through Hospice.  By the time the discharge from hospital was completed, the hospital bed had already been delivered to her home.  Pain relief had been organised to ensure there was no breakthrough pain.

The family  had been standing alone with care of their mother and initially viewed Hospice as a  “us or them” situation. The siblings  quickly realised it was more  of a “we are on the same team” situation with a wonderful wrap around service.

The experienced nurses provided kind compassionate loving care. The family wanted  the best care for their mother and thanks to Hospice they got it.

Advance care planning week – webinar for consumers

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Come along to talk to Dr Sonia and consumer Holli about advance care planning during Advance Care Planning week 2022. 11:00 24th March online

Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Grelly

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Photo by Jana Sabeth on Unsplash

She called him Grelly when she was young because she couldn’t say Grandad.

He used to pick her up every day from Kindy.  Always the same routine when she got to her Mama’s house. She would sit next to Grelly and he would let her dunk her biscuits into his cup of tea.  He didn’t mind if her biscuit fell in.

She entertained them by reciting the poems and songs she had learned.  She loved it when they joined in and sang with her.  Grelly would let her be the boss of the TV remote and watch her programmes with her.   She didn’t mind that he didn’t know the words to Spongebob Squarepants because he made up for it by dancing with her when Bananas in Pyjamas came on.   When she was sick he would phone her and tell her he and Mama were missing her. 

When he became sick, she would rush in to see to see him. She would kiss them both and show them her drawings and tell him what she had done at Kindy.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Contribution

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Photo by Jarritos Mexican Soda on Unsplash

When we are born we come with nothing and we go with nothing. In between we try to make a contribution to our family, community and the world around us.

The transition to becoming a caregiver is difficult, the biggest challenge is going from having lots of time for yourself and an ability to make plans, to having no time.  Much like a mother I guess. I was given a ringside seat into old age and death.  Watching the decline, you are forced to confront the mortality of your loved one as well as your own.

High dependency needs mean that no matter how much you love the one you are caring for you get very tired.  The forced isolation can be lonely for a lot of people. My experience wasn’t so much the loneliness but more the loss of “me” time.  Early in the caregiving role when I was able to go out for a couple of hours I would joke with my friends that my visa was up and I had to get home before my visa was cancelled.

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