Tag Archives: family

Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Saying Goodbye

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Photo by Philippe Leone on Unsplash

She was a solicitor used to dealing with other people’s problems and separating the emotion from the facts.  But today she looked tired, worn out, and close to tears.

“Noticed your not your usual self what’s the matter”? I asked.

“I’m caring for my dying mother at home and have been doing it for the last two months. I need to get home as quick as I can”.  

“Do you have anyone helping you”? I inquired

“Sometimes my sister helps but she has three kids. Mostly it’s just me and mum, I had to move in with her temporarily to take care of her because she couldn’t manage on her own. I’m not sure if I can manage.   I sleep in the armchair next to the bed”.  

“Would it help if I sat with her while you do your work at home”?

A smile fleetingly replaced the stress on her face.  ‘Here’s the address she said and my number if you get lost”.

“Ask your mum if I can come and see her, phone me if she says yes, no problem if she says no”.

Later that evening she phoned confirming it was okay.

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Palace of Care – Like father, like son.

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The little old Chinese man, looked so pale, he didn’t know what to do with himself. His short-term memory had been impaired for some years but had worsened in recent months as he deteriorated.

We both used our second language to communicate with each other, Mandarin. Both speaking with thick accents, but able to understand each other. His supportive daughter had come over from China to look after her parents. They had lived in New Zealand for over twenty years.

He had always been terrible at reporting his discomfort. His daughter talked about when he had appendicitis and had not told anyone until he almost died of an intra-abdominal infection after his appendix had burst. His stock answer would be to say, “I am fine,” but his body language was a give away for his wife and daughter. He didn’t let anyone know that he had painful shingles until he was found writhing in bed, crying because of pain, telling his family that the pain was so bad that he wanted to die.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Time

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He was 84. He had been sick for a long time with his liver and recently had his gallbladder removed.  He was tired and grumpy as he struggled to make sense of the illness.   He was tired of taking medicine and being unwell. It was a far cry from the strong funny man that used to make his family laugh.

As a father when he made up his mind to do something he would always follow through.  Like the time he decided to take a night class in pruning fruit trees.   He would come home from class and prune all the fruit trees which were quite substantial.  The trees all had a slight lean to them and his family was not convinced he passed that class but the trees bore great fruit.  

He decided he wanted to become a welder so he enrolled in a night class and completed the course.  His family thought it was an extension of his pruning class because he did some welding maintenance around the fruit trees.  When he wasn’t watching, his children used his welding hat to play Darth Vader in Star Wars but he used to laugh when he thought they couldn’t see him. 

It was early morning when the phone rang and she knew immediately something was wrong.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Mamma Mia

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It was getting harder to manage working full time during the day and caring for my mother.  The routine was I would wash her in the morning and give her breakfast and her medication then leave her a drink in a thermos cup with something for morning tea.  

My sister would call in to see her before she went to work at 10 am. My other brothers and sisters were supposed to phone her during the day when I was at work.   I would come home for lunch, give her lunch I prepared the night before, give her medication and a drink and leave something for afternoon tea before heading back to work.  I finished at 5pm but sometimes couldn’t get away till 5.30pm as I worked at the District Court and sometimes the Court sat late.

The routine worked for a while but as she started to decline I noticed little things.   I would come home for lunch and her morning tea hadn’t been touched.  When I asked her why she hadn’t eaten the orange I left her, she was embarrassed and replied, “I tried and tried but I couldn’t peel it” and she couldn’t unscrew the lid of the drink.  I felt terrible that she wasn’t able to access it.  It coincided with her telling me she was lonely when I went to work, it was a long day for her.   I looked at her beautiful face and I knew she was not one to complain but this was important to her.    Something had to change. 

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Unsung Heroes

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He was 14 new to the area, no siblings and only his mother and him.  They had been living up north; he didn’t know why they  moved and it didn’t matter. Everything was okay until his mum got sick.  She went to the Doctor and came back with lots of medicine.   When he asked what the Doctor said she brushed him off with “nothing for you to worry about son”.  

A month went by and his mother was getting worse.  They both went back to the Doctor, he said she needed to do some tests and he gave her a piece of paper and told her she had to go to the hospital for some x-rays and some other things that he didn’t know what they meant.   The doctor would contact her when he had the results.  The Doctor phoned a few days later,  he needed to see  her.   He told her she had cancer. 

He went to school at his mother’s urging.  His mother was alone, he worried she might need something and he wouldn’t be there to get it.   She reassured him she would be fine and would text him if she needed him.

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Guest Post – Naomi’s Notes – Kindness

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Hi, my name is Naomi Lees, I work at Edmund Hillary School in Papakura. I met Dr James Jap a few years ago when he came to a meeting at school. I have really enjoyed Palliverse posts.  When James asked recently who would help I said I would and did nothing about it for six weeks except for the occasional pang of guilt for not doing what I said I would do.

I looked after my parents in the last two years before they died. These posts will contain some of what I learned.

So here is the first of my contributions:

Looking for Kindness

When I was at school  I was out on duty in the playground making sure the kids were safe in the playground.  Then two little girls came up to me and  one of the girls was new to the school and she was 5.  The new girl was crying loudly.   So I gave her a cuddle and asked her what was wrong  and she said to me.

“Oooh I’ve lost my friend.”

“Don’t worry,” I said, “I’ll help you to find her.”   

“What is her name?”

More tears then she said, “I don’t know.”

Then I said, “what does she look like?”

More tears then she said ………”She looks KIND.”

Bianca the other little girl who is 8, looked at me and we both smiled then I said very gently to her that Bianca knew all the kind girls so if she held Bianca’s hand and walked with her I am sure they would find her friend. Off they went in search of Kindness!

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Palace of Care – Mum’s Little Star

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As a little boy his mum would always sing his favourite nursery rhyme to him, as part of his bedtime routine. He was her little star.

We had admitted him only the day before, and we thought that he only had days left to live. End-stage disease had wreaked havoc on his body, and was starting to impinge on his mind. What was important to him? Family above all, his children, his siblings, his parents was whom he spoke about. He was uncomfortable and needed extra medications to control his various symptoms. He told us that he knew his time was short and that his family would be trying to spend as much time as possible with him.

Following the weekend there were less family members around. His mother had become acutely unwell, and the hospital had also found end-stage disease. They made a referral to see if we could admit her as well. The family had to split themselves, with one half holding their vigil in hospital, and the other half holding their vigil at the hospice.  Never the twain shall meet?

A no-brainer from my point of view. Let’s reunite the family, dying son could then see dying mother. A really sad situation, but at least the whole family could be together for both dying family members. Quick logistical arrangements were made and the son was shifted to our largest room. This would allow both beds to be in the same room as each other at times. So that they could all be surrounded by their family members.

No-one could lessen the tragedy of the life event, but at least the family didn’t have to split themselves in two, trying to hold a vigil at two places at once. The overall stress was relieved a small amount as they accompanied their loved ones in their final days.

The son set after two more twilights, and his mother would only experience three more sunrises before her light dimmed for the last time. The family planned to hold a combined funeral service in which many stories would be highlighted, and the warm glow of love would be shared.

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are

Bedside Lessons – 18b. A troubled young man Part 2

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His blood test results came back and were unusually good, the blast cells were reduced in numbers compared to on admission. Bloods were repeated weekly, and they continued to improve, to the point that there were no longer blast cells present at all. The Haematologist was contacted about this unexpected finding. She was surprised as his blood tests hinted at something that they had never been able to achieve before. Was this a remission?

A bone marrow biopsy was urgently organised, and revealed a pre-Christmas miracle – remission was confirmed. Somehow his disease had been controlled, by what we all did not know. Plans were hastily made for our patient to undergo a bone marrow transplant, with everyone’s hopes raised that it would lead to longer term control.

Our patient had mixed emotions, since he had become sick this was the first time that he had received good news, and he didn’t know how to handle it. He didn’t celebrate his remission as much as his family and clinicians did, as he couldn’t totally believe it. He was discharged home to his family’s rented home for Christmas together, with everyone hoping that a better year lay ahead.

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Palace of Care – In his arms

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Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash

It had been a great game of football, they had managed to successfully complete a number of moves that they had been practising for weeks. He was proud of the fact that the ball was always safe, in his arms.

The post-match party was a happy and raucous affair, a swirl of colours and noise, but everything seemed to stop, when she walked into the room.

Their eyes met across the crowded space, everyone else became invisible and they instantly fell in love. Soon she was, in his arms.

Fast-forward 23 years to an admission into our family room. Again a swirl of colours and noise as they settled into the room with their seven children, and their children’s children.

Early on in their relationship they had reflected on their own upbringing, having being raised by their grandparents, they made a pact that they would raise their own kids themselves.

And they did so over the next 22 years which were filled with joy.

She had become unwell over the past year, needing many trips to clinics and hospital for many treatments and even more disappointments. Always supported by their family  who stayed strong around them.

It had taken a lot of convincing to allow Hospice into their lives – he was scared of them – but the fears were soon allayed by the visiting staff.

Barely three weeks ago she had organised a family trip up North, just them and their four youngest children. “She knew that her time was short, and that was her preparing me.”

During the weekend, he had shared, “Thank you for providing this large room for us, it has allowed me to be the husband again, and the father to my kids, we can be ourselves again.”

There were many visitors over the weekend and into the new week.

On the very last night the couple were together, peacefully in bed, surrounded by the love from all their kids sleeping on the floor around them.

Coming back from the bathroom on the final morning, held up in his arms, “I think it’s my time to go.”

Gently back to bed, still in his arms.

Feeling safe, surrounded by the best things in the world, their kids and grand-kids.

She leaned back, in his arms, and then quietly left the room.

“She was looking after us all, right until the very end, giving us the strength to carry on walking tall.”

Palace of Care – Living every moment

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Living every moment when you’re dying

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In New Zealand last week we celebrated Hospice Awareness Weak and to tell you the truth I’m not sure how impactful the week actually was. Continue reading →