Tag Archives: rejection

Breaking Chain

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This is an edited transcript of a conversation I had with Cheyne McClung, three days ago. The views and feelings expressed are Cheyne’s and he has given me permission to publish his words and photo.

The diagnosis of MND (Motor Neuron Disease). Was a death sentence. It snuck up on me. It took away things. Previously taken for granted. My ability to walk. My ability to work. Can’t hold my baby. Can’t breathe. Need BiPAP. 24/7. Hard to talk.

What did I do. To deserve this? Everyone said, “Nothing.” “It’s bad luck.” I know it’s. Not my fault. But I didn’t expect. Cruel and unusual. Punishment. MND has taken. So much. The worst is. I can’t go home. That’s where I. Want to be.

They ask me. About treatments. What if I get? Infections. What do I want? I want to live. As long as possible. To be with my. Little girl. She needs special care. Birth injury. I’m missing out. On too much. Her smiles. Trying to crawl. Chances to connect. Running out.

They decided. I can’t go home. Need too much care. They decided I need. Care facility. Hope it is. Close to home. They haven’t found one. It’s been weeks. No-one wants me. My case too. Complicated. I know that. People can do BiPAP. Without healthcare training.

They discriminate against me. I’m 37. MND doesn’t care. How old I am. Would they take me? If I was 65? Don’t get it. Care needs the same. Regardless of age. I’m paralysed. Can only move. My neck a bit. No place wants me. Hospices admitted me. For three weeks. Only. Then what? Give me hope. Then take it away. The uncertainty. Is too much. No one wants me. I’m trapped in. Too hard basket. Solitary confinement. In body shell.

Need escape plans. I don’t want to. Die. But if no. Quality of life. Then better off. Dead. I could stop eating. Not treat infections. My lung specialist. Said he could. Make me comfortable. Then stop BiPAP. All over. All done. Gone. Not yet. Only if. No quality of life.

Will anyone listen? Does anyone care? “Please. I just want. To spend time. With my baby girl. Closer to home. Can anyone help me? Please. Don’t make me beg.”

I think therefore I am? – Please don’t leave me.

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Photo by Omar Ram on Unsplash

We humans are social animals. Without companionship we do not do so well. Loneliness is a major health risk factor for the development of many illnesses. The less socially connected we are the worse we may feel emotionally but also physically. Acts of human connection enliven both the donor and the recipient. It feels good to help someone else out. A win-win situation, you both get something out of it. It feels good to belong to something. To belong to a group or a tribe.

How does it feel when people with life-limiting illnesses are discharged from clinic for the last time. They might’ve been seeing their care team for years in some cases, all of a sudden they have lost the support. They might feel bereft. The closure of a relationship. They had always been there for me and now they are not. A void is created, can it ever be filled by anyone else? A feeling of rejection, of abandonment may be experienced. A shove off the edge of a cliff, into free-fall. A tie severed. We will never meet again, we just had our final goodbye. I thought it would last forever. People change over time, no matter how much they try to stay the same.

Goodbye, I have nothing else I can offer you, but you can come and see me again in six weeks. I wish you all the best. Please take care.

You said you’d always be there for me, through the worst while hoping for the best. You left me hanging. I didn’t know what was happening, the world seemed to spin around me like a not so merry-go-round. You told me to leave but I have no other place to go. I still need help. What did I do to deserve this? Was it something I said? Was it something I chose? Can we just talk? Please?

Please don’t go…

I think therefore I am? – Dropped

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Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

I feel so lost, I feel so alone, aren’t I good enough for you? What did I do wrong? Why did you change so suddenly? I thought you’d always be there for me. I thought you’d have my back.

Many different people may be felt to be the other, this can have a racial basis, or be on a religious basis. People are labeled as other to justify treating them badly, and this is an unjust situation in this day and age. What other justifications are there for bad treatment of our fellow humans?

Palliative care patients may face stigmatisation for being closer to dying than most people. Oh well they’re going to die anyway, so why should we bother taking care of them? Just shove them in the corner and pull the curtain around them, and forget about them. Out of sight and out of mind. Not my problem mate. Who cares they’re dying anyway, not worth me expending any effort on them. I beg to differ, dying people deserve even more respect, as they are about to leave our planet, off to somewhere else, destination unknown. What will happen next? I don’t know.

It hurts to be rejected, to be pushed away, sometimes literally pushed away. I don’t want anything to do with you. Please leave, bad enough when you are trying to find a date, but when you are at the end of your life, how much more hurtful could that feel?

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