Her pyjama pants were brightly coloured. They had repeated patterns printed on them. I didn’t have my glasses on and I had walk closer towards her to see what they actually were. The fuzzy, blurry lines sharpened. The shapes were dogs, lots of different breeds. Each of the dogs was holding an item of food. It reminded me of one of my own favourite work items. My hooded neck pillow with pictures of all the health food groups. French fries, hot dogs, pizzas, hamburgers and more. The greasier the better. Guaranteed to line your arteries within minutes of ingestion. I promised to visit again.

We hadn’t seen each other for many months. Things had not gone so smoothly the last time we had met. We had both changed. Lives had carried on. Holidays had been spent in distant locales. We had both ventured away from the familiar comforts of home. We had both talked in front of many different audiences. I had a two week break from work. Two weeks ago she had taken her final break from work. I had started exercising more and having more fights (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu). She had become less active and had given up on her fight. My life was becoming busier. Her life was slowing down. My world continues to expand as her world shrinks down.

We weren’t sure if we would meet again but here we are. I will try my best to make her more comfortable. We both know that her time is running out. We will try to make the most of the time she has left. I will make changes to her medications to try and relieve her suffering. I can’t take away her existential suffering. I cannot make whole what is falling apart at her centre. She could handle all the changes but the illness has made her mouth shrink, her dentures don’t fit any more, and she can’t smile her usual smile. That’s what hurts, that she can’t be who she always has been. She doesn’t feel like herself any more. I know she is an actor and I told her she doesn’t need to act in front of me. I need to know what is really going on in order to help her. I need her to be herself. Her deteriorating self. She can accept that death is approaching. What’s difficult is the dying process.

Grief doesn’t just occur when someone dies, it starts much sooner than that. People grieve as soon as they start losing things. Having to let go of something you have pursued with passion for a life time. Having to say goodbye to a job that was a vocation. Having to handover the mission to someone else. The school would never be the same again, but she wants it to move on without her. To keep on growing and developing young people. Igniting the spark of self-discovery. Feeding the nascent self-confidence. Inspiring youth to aim for the stars. To believe in themselves, to push themselves, to become somebody. “If you want to be a teacher, you have to love kids.” No-one loved the kids more than she did. And look where they have ended up. Starring in shows of their own. All because one of their high school teachers believed in them, twenty years ago. I can think of worse legacies to leave behind.